The Mother I Thought I Would Be

I went to a birthday party for a friend this weekend and it was mostly strangers and a few acquaintances that I see maybe twice a year at bbqs at the birthday girl’s house.  It was an interesting group, all women and mostly mothers.  I brought the baby because my husband was working and he still hasn’t been left with a sitter.  At less than 4 months, he wasn’t a very intrusive presence, except for the admiring glances and oohs and aahs he caused.

One of the women asked me an interesting question – Are you the mother you thought you would be?  I didn’t really know how to answer.  I think that it might be too early to tell what kind of mother I am. I know that I am a loving and devoted mom, but it is too early to tell what kind of mom-archetype that I will embody.  I doubt it will be the fun mom.

I think the hardest thing about this question is that I never thought of myself as a mother while I was growing up. My cabbage patch kid is the closest thing I had to a baby doll and I treated it more like a student than a child.  I played library and checked out books to both my dolls and my stuffed animals equally. (Yes, I played library. My sister played office.  We were dorky kids.)  I do not have the best mother role models from growing up.  I didn’t have a strong connection with my mom; we rarely discussed more than the superficial or daily activities.  She kind of lost interest in me once I was out of girl scouts.

Needless to say, not the best mothering role model and big influence on the no kids stance I held for most of my life.  I just started thinking about the possibility of having a child about a year or two before I got pregnant.  My husband and I decided to maybe start trying and then my mom was diagnosed with stage four lung cancer, which meant she had about a year or less left, and it just didn’t seem like the right time.  But then it was the right time and I have my darling boy, but I have no idea if I am the mother I thought I would be.  I just hope I can be the mother I want to be.

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