The Thin Blue Line

I’ve been hesitant to even blog about this because I don’t want a make a big thing about it, but it is interfering with my ability to blog about anything else so I am just throwing it out there. We decided to try for another baby. There. It looks super freaky in black and white. But, I am getting older and I kind of feel like it is now or never. If I don’t get pregnant in 2011, I don’t think I want another child. I will be so old.

What I didn’t anticipate was how much this would mess with my head. I wasn’t blogging here when I got pregnant with Spencer and I haven’t really talked about it much. Pretty much we decided it was finally a good time, I worked out the dates, we had a bunch of sex and that was it. One month of “effort.” A few weeks later a positive test; a few months after that, a Spencer. So, I was singularly unprepared for what happened this month.

I did the math and we were busy/tired/didn’t go to bed at the same time on the appropriate days. And we have a toddler who is a light sleeper and barely naps, so random afternoon nookie wasn’t really an option. But rather than let the month slide by, we, uh, squeezed a little action in at the tail end of the window. Given my previous fertile myrtle status, I decided that this was enough and it was definitely going to work. Cut to a few weeks later. I am sure most of you know where this is going.

I started to feel a little bloated and very hormonal, cue the overreacting to everything. The day my period was due, nothing happened, so I busted out a stick. Nothing. I reminded myself that I didn’t show a positive test with Spencer until a week after my period was due. I became a little obsessed. Next morning, peed on a stick again. Still negative. Peed on a stick before bed. Nothing. Starting to feel a little crampy. Convinced myself that the uncomfortableness was pregnancy related. And then the next morning, I woke up to the mother off all periods. So horrific I thought my uterus was going to fall out. Needless to say, definitively not pregnant. I didn’t say anything to the hubs until the next day. His response: that explains a lot. Heh.

I’d never felt this; the crushing disappointment of the negative test and the coming of our little red friend after an attempt, even such a half-hearted one.  And I don’t want to again. So, onward little spermy soldiers, onward. However, there will be silence on the matter, success or not for quite a while. We are not early tellers by any means. My sister was the only person I told until I was 4 months along. 4 months! I didn’t show and had no symptoms so it wasn’t that hard. And because I am doing everything in a rush as I rapidly close in on 37, I hope to be safely losing weight through at least the first part of the pregnancy. Which, unlike you cute little things with the baby bumps at 3 months, is quite easy for us chubbier girls. And honestly, I imagine quite a few pounds will fall off once I have to break-up with my boyfriends, Mr. Gin and Mr. Tonic.

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32 Responses to “The Thin Blue Line”

  1. TMae says:

    I’m sorry it didn’t happen this month.

    I’ve been thinking a lot about this, because we had pretty much the same experience conceiving O. And since #2 is a vague possibility, I’ve started thinking that maybe I should start paying better attention to my cycle, so if we do decide to try, we’ll feel like we know what we’re doing. However, my periods have been all over the board and HORRIFIC since they came back 3 MONTHS after O was born.

    I hope next month is your month!

    [Reply]

    Amy Reply:

    Thanks! This was only my second cycle since Spencer, so I wasn’t sure how it would work out. Turns out I am pretty much on pattern. The thought if #2 is terrifying.

    [Reply]

  2. AHHHH YAY for another wee one in the future! It’s funny how our bodies work. I was with DS1’s bio-father for 2 1/2 yrs before I became pregnant with him. With DS2 I was with my then boyfriend (now husband) barely 3 MONTHS before becoming pregnant with sir nummies.

    [Reply]

    Amy Reply:

    I hope in the near future. We will see. I’m sure our bodies know best.

    [Reply]

  3. Emily says:

    Lol to the chubby girls hiding the pregnancy! I hope it works out quickly. I will be sending baby vibes your way!!

    [Reply]

    Amy Reply:

    I could totally I didn’t know I was pregnant this thing. Just lose a little bit of weight every month I would stay the same size. lol.

    [Reply]

  4. I’m sorry that you had the disappointment this month. And good luck with next month!

    I’ve never tried to get pregnant. To say B was a surprise would be the understatement of the century.

    Here’s the Spencer’s future sibling!

    [Reply]

    Amy Reply:

    But she is the most delightful surprise ever!

    [Reply]

    Eileen @ Bringing Up Bronwyn Reply:

    Oh yes of course! We knew we wanted a baby, she was just a year ahead of schedule, literally down to the month!

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  5. Suzanne says:

    Stupid not getting pregnant. When we started trying I got maybe two negative tests and was CRUSHED. HEARTBROKEN. I was convinced I would never ever have a baby ever. It took real period math and the not-fun kind of sex where you do it even if you don’t feel like it to get the positive. I hope you get your pink lines soon – I would like to pat your baby bump at BlogHer.

    Also, I had no idea you were “old”. I have always thought you were 30, maybe 31, based on a) your picture and b) your hip-ness. Oh God, now I sound super old too.

    [Reply]

    Amy Reply:

    I am super old! I’ll be 37 in June. Not as old as my husband and sister who will be 40 (40!!!) this year. Need to get on with the babymaking before my ladybits break.

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  6. Midwest Elle says:

    I can relate with Suzanne, negative test absolutely crush you. I’m sorry this month didn’t work out for you Amy. The first few cycles post-partum can be horrific, but after 4-5 they get much much easier. Lots of baby dust heading your way. Will be waiting for an ‘I’m Pregnant!’ post this spring/summer!

    [Reply]

    Amy Reply:

    Thanks so much! I do hope things work out soon.

    [Reply]

  7. Natalie says:

    Meh. Stop doing math, lady–just start doing it.

    Sorry about the stupid negative. We tried for three months before we got pregnant w/ Olivia and most people thought that was super-fast, so I can imagine how crazy you would go by getting pregnant the first time trying, and it being different this go-round.
    I’m still not sure how Sophia was conceived. I mean, I KNOW, but she just snuck by, two days after quitting the mini-pill.

    Good luck with everything, and have fun trying ;o)

    [Reply]

    Amy Reply:

    We have a no sleeping toddler plus a husband who gets up for work at 545 and thus goes to bed quite early. This creates, um, scheduling difficulties.

    [Reply]

    Natalie Reply:

    Ahhh…I see…
    Well…I got nothing.

    More unhelpful comments by Natalie.

    [Reply]

    Amy Reply:

    I found the silver lining. MORE GIN.

  8. molly says:

    Ooooh, how exciting! I wish you lots of luck. Sending baby dust your way!!!

    [Reply]

    Amy Reply:

    Thank you!

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  9. I didn’t want to be an “early teller” either but, telling my Mom was a huge mistake in that process. My entire family new a month before I finally told them!!!!!

    I hope things happen soon for you so you don’t have to feel let down like that again. You’re not old either, so shut your mouth!

    [Reply]

    Amy Reply:

    Thanks! I forgot that my boss actually guessed pretty early because I volunteered to be a designated driver for a happy hour. LOL.

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  10. Alana says:

    I didn’t tell anyone tell anyone but family till I was 4 months, too! I am super paranoid and wanted to make sure I was in the clear health wise, etc.
    I have never tried to get pregnant either. D was quite the surprise. So I really don’t know what it means to have your heart set on a positive test. I can only imagine that feeling. BUT just think of the fun you get to have trying for that positive test!!!
    Here’s to lots of nookie, gin and a sibling for Spencer!
    xoxo

    [Reply]

    Amy Reply:

    Yes! I should just tell myself that every negative test means a month of MORE GIN.

    [Reply]

  11. Jennifer says:

    Wow-this post really hit home for me… I am also currently trying for #2. This is the first month we actually started to try and I am anxiously waiting to see what will happen. My period would not be due for another 10 or so days. I am also 36 approaching 37 in October and conceived my son without any effort. My stomach sank as I read to the end of your post and my heart goes out to you. Hoping this happens for you soon! And we are SOOO not old!!!

    xo
    Jennifer

    [Reply]

    Amy Reply:

    Twitter makes me feel so old. I have seem three OMG I am turning 29 tweets in the last few days and that seems like a long, long time ago. Sending you baby dust and I’ll keep you and happy baby thoughts in my heart. This was only the first month, I just had such high (and slightly ridiculous) expectations.

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  12. Jenni Chiu says:

    Oh I understand this SO COMPLETELY. I just blogged this week about the same thing. All of a sudden, my son hit 2 1/2 and BAM- I am obsessed with another baby. I also know the feeling of disappointment…
    So I wish you many strong sperm, an open egg, and a welcoming uterus. ;)
    I will expect an announcement in four to five months.

    [Reply]

    Amy Reply:

    Thank you so much! I think that might be my favorite of the baby wishes. I’ve been sitting on this post for about a week. It is funny how the act of hitting publish makes it that much more real. Somehow, I missed your post. I have been having some reader issues. Thanks for letting me know and I am off to read it now.

    [Reply]

  13. Sorry it didnt happen for you this time.

    Sending warm thoughts your way!

    [Reply]

    Amy Reply:

    Thank you! And thanks so much for stopping by.

    [Reply]

  14. That has to be one of the hardest things to wait for. I hope that next month gives your a BFP!

    [Reply]

  15. Holly says:

    I totally started reading this and was like OMG another baby so I’m sorry your not preggo yet, but excited for you that you are trying, and also that you at least get a little ‘more gin’ time. Everything always works out as it should, so have fun trying!!

    [Reply]

    Amy Reply:

    That is the new plan. More gin = more trying. (;

    [Reply]

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