I think it goes without saying that February was the crappiest month I have had in a long time. My babies died, my uncle died and on the last day, leap day even, I endured the most awkward and oddly humiliating doctor’s appointment I have ever had, especially considering that nothing really even happened. Ugh. Moving on.

But where do we go from here?


This is where my very serious post derailed. Come with me into the oddness of my brain where every emotion is felt via a random song lyric – and not even current ones.

Where do we go from here? Where DO we go FROM here? What song is that? What are other words? Ooooh. The musical Buffy episode. I think it is called where do we go from here? I don’t know. I think it is the one with the very serious faces in the Magic Box.* Maybe Tara and Giles. Huh. Random.

What was I thinking about? Oh yeah. March. March On. We all march on today. Who is that? It isn’t Death Cab for Cutie, it is the band I always get confused with Death Cab and then I saw the video and they seemed much older than they sound. I could look it up. Or text hubs. But he’ll make fun of me for not knowing the answer because he likes that song and I should really know who it is. Google. Huh. Nothing. Oh crap, maybe it isn’t even March On, that would be embarrassing. I could blame the blood loss. I wonder how long I can keep blaming the blood loss…**

What is that other March song I like. Oh, March by Avail. That was one of my very favorite college songs, but I found it late. That is one of those songs that I really, really, like the song and no other songs by the band no matter how hard I tried.  But I really liked it. It’s the break it down, knock it down PULL THE WALL DOWN song. So delightfully screamy at the end.

::looks up lyrics::

a twist this time you buckle my mind like a speechless boy it won’t go away got glass rain it cuts my feet i pull apart yet refrain from the heart i’ve got water in my veins it won’t go away turns ice on which i slide in my soul i have religion i try to preach it and it’s stripped away it’s beyond contradiction just my fight with my grace a dove in hand do i crush it my friend? why do i feel no guilt it won’t go away this final fear i cannot see this love of hell in which i dwell it makes no sense it won’t go away this way i feel break it down knock it down pull the wall down let go let go of the hatred in your soul

Huh. Oddly appropriate, but not really. What was I trying to write about again? Oh. February sucked. Moving on.

Here’s to letting go.

Hang In There! Like a cat, but Spencer

* Actual name of the magic shop on the show, not something strangely dirty.

** As I was proofreading this, I realized it was Float On by Modest Mouse. Hopefully, this isn’t one of the posts my husband reads. I will be mocked for this.

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4 Responses to “March”

  1. Rebecca says:

    As I said on Twitter yesterday, last summer I was exactly where you are now. Completely different circumstances but the feeling of ‘Surely nothing else can go wrong. Oh, look. Another catastrophe. Well, they say bad things come in threes so this must be it. Nope. More tragedy. Ok, that has to be it because I simply cannot take anything else. ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? WHEN IS THIS SHIT GOING TO END??”

    Around the beginning of September I seriously thought I was on the verge of losing it.

    I’m not going to spew any of the ‘things will get better’ crap. I knew I had lots to be grateful for and that things just HAD to get better eventually but I sure as hell didn’t want someone to say that to me.

    I guess all I really have to say is that I get how you feel. I am sorry life is being a douchewaffle to you right now. And I hope that the end of February marked the end of life’s douchewaffleness.

    Also I love the oddness of your brain. My oddness doesn’t come with song lyrics, just random oddness. : (


  2. rachel says:

    Isn’t it funny how you can be so serious and then so random and so funny all at the same time? That’s life. I lost my daughter Mina three years ago. She was born early at 27 weeks and died 6 days later. It was, like you said, super crappy. But I got through it, and you will too. You won’t get over it, but you will get through it. I am so sorry for the loss of both of your babies. It sucks big time.


  3. I love the random and am constantly mocked by my husband about music mix ups. I have a band I always mix up with Death Cab for Cutie too. They sound nothing alike. I cant remember who they are. I love Float On. March will be better. If only because its not February. Spencer makes a great hang on cat.


  4. Susan says:

    Totally relate to this post. I lost a baby in my 2nd trimester 5 years ago & just so happened that it was in February. Random songs & lyrics made me even more emotional. I agree with what was said above, you never forget, but slowly you will heal.


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